Being Right or
Being in Relationship:
Which Do
You Choose?
by Stephen
Reynolds
Throughout our lives, each of us has many
opportunities to choose between
Being Right
and Being in
Relationship with another human being. The choices we
make at these intersections go a long way toward determining what type
of life we have.
While many people profess to want
to have a better relationship with someone they consider special, their
behaviors often contradict this declared intention. The true
measure of a person’s beliefs are what they do, not what they
say. If you want to know how much one person loves another, observe
the choices they make around each other.
When one
person does not get what they want from another, do they focus on trying
to understand
why their request does not work for the other person, or
do they repeatedly declare reasons why the other person “should” comply
with their request?
When one
person gives in to another in a conflict, does he or she do this freely
and generously, making the concession
a true gift,
or do they hold their concession as a “deposit” toward some future event
when they will be “entitled” to get their way?
When one
person is criticized by another, are they more likely to say, “You seem
upset; what
would you like me to do differently?”, or are they more
likely to reply, “You’re not being fair!”?
When one
person is upset at something another person did, do they focus on
non-judgmentally
expressing their feelings, or do they spend their time
and energy pointing out why the other person was “wrong” to do what they
did?
When one
person takes exception to the tone or manner in which another is
speaking to them, do they
disclose how
vulnerable they feel, or do they accuse the other of
being condescending?
A person who is more interested in being
right will focus on what they are not getting from another person, and
spend their time and energies attempting to communicate their unmet
needs. A person whose greater interest is being in relationship will
focus more on understanding what the other person’s need are, and in
learning more about how they can
assist the other
person in meeting those needs.
A key indicator of the state of a
relationship can be seen when one person comes home upset about what
happened during their day. A person whose partner is primarily
interested in relationship will be asked to
share more of their
feelings about the day. A person whose partner is
primarily interested in being right will be questioned more about why
they took the actions they did during the day.
It is not “wrong” to want to be right.
However, being right has its price. It is a barrier to intimacy and
limits the depth of our relationships. And if we compound our need to
be right with blaming the other party for the lack of depth in our
relationship, we can almost guarantee the relationship will fail.
Individuals who exhibit a strong need to
be right and/or to have things their way usually have unresolved
internal issues that they project onto others. If these individuals can
begin to catch themselves in their patterns, and declare to themselves
and others their ownership of the responsibility for their actions ---
they will be taking a critical first step in breaking their historic
pattern, and moving toward achieving deeper, more meaningful
relationships. If these individuals are unable to accept the
responsibility for their behavior and its consequences, they will likely
continue to doom themselves to a string of less-than-satisfactory
relationships.
To test your own “Need to Be Right”
quotient, complete
this exercise.
While you will likely find that both answers to some questions will
apply to you, pick the answer that is most often true for you.
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